Losing A Baby...

I guess the time is finally right to share about some personal experiences of mine that only a handful know of (2 persons in fact and one was the priest I confessed to). I'm led to share about it as I just returned from the hospital having visited a friend who had a miscarriage, her 3rd time.

She got married about 4 years ago to her longtime sweetheart. They were what I could say to be a match made in heaven. They met in school and started going out since their teens and eventually decided to spend the rest of their lives together. It has been a great wish of theirs to have a big brood and it has been one disappointment after another for the last several years.

When we (the friends) heard of her pregnancy earlier this year, we were all cautiously optimistic. We knew that the doctor has actually warned her against trying. But she stubbornly insisted and we were told in February that she was about 6 weeks pregnant.

As everything seemed alright, we were hopeful that they'd finally get their wish. It wasn't to be though as evidenced by the SMS I received at about 1am last night. She was admitted to the hospital due to heavy vaginal bleeding. And they had to relive the nightmare over again.

I popped by at the hospital earlier and the wife was sobbing quietly and the busband had a faraway look in his eyes as I walked in. You can almost feel the sadness like a tangible thing in the air. And it just seemed that the flowers and fruit basket that I brought was a meaningless gesture and scant consolation considering what they had lost.

Nevertheless, I sat down and quietly offered my commiserations telling them to just ask if there was anything at all I can do for them. She then asked me if I could imagine how it feels to have lost one's flesh and blood as she struggled to contain her tears.

Someone once told me that I was a good listener which I attributed to being a peer counselor in school so I asked her to tell me what she felt. I said that I would never know how a lady would feel having had the child in her womb and ending up losing it. But the grief and regret of losing one's offspring, that was something I can relate to. The couple looked disbelievingly at me when I delivered those words, as I am as yet still single.

So, I decide to share this part of my life which I tried to forget but failed miserably to do so. What do I know about losing a child you call your own anyway? It's a secret that I have kept in the dark recesses and it would have been ten years now come June. Having not shared this story before, I had to start from the beginning. Though it lacks whatever drama a movie may have, I hope that anyone reading this can benefit from this sharing.

When I joined the workforce back a little over a decade ago, I was thrilled. Being a student, I was a bit frustrated by the lack of financial freedom I had and couldn't wait to earn my own paycheck. I remembered my first paycheck, which was a small one due to my joining date which was in the middle part of the month as well as the fact that I didn't have a lot of claims and allowances yet then. I blew the sum in less than a week but boy did it felt good.

As such, I drew up a wishlist in order to have a 'perfect' life. Few months in, as I was more 'stable' financially, I decided to get myself my first set of wheels. And the day I got it, I was so proud of myself for achieving what I thought was the pinnacle of my life at a relatively young age of 21.

As my parents were somewhat conservative, I was very much tied down socially during my school years. I was not allowed to attend late night shows and didn't get a chance to take a puff of the cigarette or a sip of beer then. These rules were relaxed as I started working and I'd join my friends occasionally for a night out. So I tried the cancer stick but it didn't catch my fancy, so I smoked socially. Where alcohol was concerned, having tasted it, I guess I could live without it despite being able to hold my own in a drinking session.

I then decided that it was time to get myself a girl to complete what I thought would be a perfect picture. I started chatting with a colleague of mine who had caught my eyes. And before long, I asked her out for a movie and things hit off then on. We were 'officially' a couple a month later.

Being my first real relationship, I was nervous about what I had to do. We were spending time watching movies or having meals and that was that. About 2 months into the relationship, we kissed and that sensation (then) was out of this world, or so I thought. That of course led to some straying hands due to all the hormones and it didn't take long for the both of us to explore each other's body. Despite being hesitant initially, we eventually had intercourse some 3 months into the relationship.

That was when the problem started. She was a nice enough girl being decent and polite. And I knew that she liked me a lot. However, having seen her all physically, I felt that there wasn't much in the relationship that I wanted, except for the intimacy. It became a relationship of convenience as I visited her at home (she was staying alone then) whenever I wanted to have my lust fulfilled. To be fair to her, she attempted to invigorate the relationship by planning getaways and activities that we could do together which I sometimes waved away with excuses of time constrains.

Then one day I got suspicious over some changes in her body. She was also eating a lot of sour plum and was lethargic for a few weeks. I decided to take her to the doctor and our worst fears were confirmed when the doctor said that she was pregnant. The doctor asked us if we were married and we replied in the negative. With a lot of understanding, he marked the medical records as negative as the clinic we went to was the company's panel of clinics. He then wrote out a prescription which he asked us to fill at the pharmacy a few doors down from the clinic. It was an oral abortion drug.

In our shock, we just bought the drug and she took it that very evening. Along the way, we bought a few pineapples as old wives tales said that pregnant women shouldn't consume it at risk of miscarriage. Having completed the cycle of the drug, she took a urine sample for the pregnancy test. And the results was positive. We were horrified and returned to the pharmacy where we related the story to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist then offered us a different drug which was more potent from the first. It was supposed to do the trick where the first had failed. By some reason or another, the second drug failed as well. As she was already over 2 months pregnant, we were both getting desperate. Having asked discreetly around, we were directed to a maternity clinic. We were told that abortion was a daily occurence there as the patient was only required to be infirmed for about 5-6 hours for the procedure.

And we went on with the abortion. At that point of time, no regrets whatsoever. We wanted to get it over with. And when the procedure was over, we walked out quickly, without looking back. We just had to get away from all the so called 'evil' in the place.

We both drifted away after that incident. She went her own separate ways in the office, and me, I went my own way. We didn't officially break up, but perhaps the emotional burden was a bit too much to bear. After a few months, she left the company and went overseas. She wrote a few times but our communication was half hearted and it stopped after a while.

You would have thought that I had learned my lesson then. But unfortunately, I didn't.

After about 2 years happily putting myself into my career, I chanced upon a gregarious and cheerful girl quite by accident. I'll spare you the details of how we met but suffice to say that we went out together the day after we first met. And it turned out that this girl was sexually active even before she met me. As such, we ended up in bed together less then two weeks after we met. And all caution was thrown out the window as I was lost in all that so called enjoyment.

This time though, I actually cared about this girl despite all the baggage she had. But I guess that perhaps there are some other plans that God had in mind when we first met up. She cheated on me more than once and I forgave her for her indiscretions. She actually admitted to at least 3 affairs when we were together.

And in admitting her fourth, we were estranged but I still held out a candle for her. And I didn't see what was coming as she called me out for lunch one day. Despite our separation, we were still in touch, you see. And as I was driving, she asked me if I'd take her back. And I was a bit surprised by that question that I nearly drove into the rear end of the car ahead of me.

As I probed further, she eventually admitted that she was pregnant. And making matters worse, the person who had impregnated her is of another race and religion, which may not have been acceptable to her family. I was speechless at these developments. And she asked my help to either accept the baby as my own and marry her or help her dispose off the baby.

Back then, I still loved her but maybe it wasn't all that deep. And it came to pass that I chose the latter, against my better judgment. She went through the procedure and I had blood on my hands, again. And this time, I had a lot of regret, triggered by the anguished cries of a mother who lost her child who was a stillborn. I could still hear her screams when the doctor told her about her baby.

Being placed in the same room, only separated by a curtain, I was able to hear the full conversation. And the mother was asking why was God so unfair with so many girls in the clinic not wanting their babies but hers was taken from her.

That was when I felt like I've been hit by a ton of bricks. I was just thinking about how gung-ho I have been with the life of not one but two innocent babies. Not fully developed but alive nevertheless and are gifts, precious ones at that from God. I just couldn't live with myself knowing what I had done.

Having told the girl that I'd be returning, I went down to the church, a short drive away where I went to see the parish priest. The priest, was an elderly one who knew me personally as I had served the server's guild for almost 6 years previously. He was actually having his afternoon siesta but I guess he knew of my distress by the look I wore. He kindly brought me into his room and got me a cup of water before asking me what happened.

I told him of all everything, including the first abortion. It came all out in a torrent. And all the while, he sat down listening not interrupting the flow of information. When I have said all that was inside, I was drained, both emotionally and physically. He said he was happy that I saw it fit to spill it all out after all that. He said that showed that I still respected human life despite all I have done.

What he did next surprised me. He then gave me absolution as he asked me to recite the ACt of Contrition with him. He said that what I had said constituted a confession and he was absolving me of my sins. It was the most emotional confession I have made since I first received the sacrament at the age of 10 and it was only the second time that I cried at a confession (the second time being during CHOICE). And having absolved my sins, he told me that I had to forgive myself to allow God to forgive me. Before leaving, he gave the book below, I guess it speaks for itself.

I walked out of the parish office only to face the graveyard which faced it. The plots at the front end of the cemetery were reserved for children and babies. And looking at them, I was filled with so much regret and I had a mixture of feelings and emotions inside that I couldn't explain. I felt a loss, a void deep within me over what happened.

Now, every time I have a new addition to the family in the form of a cousin, nephew or niece, I would always wonder what could have been. I could have had a daughter or son aged almost 10 today...

So you see, I do understand how much a loss can feel for a parent, more so when they desperately want the baby. Having initially wanted to dispose mine off, I still felt a sense of despair and loss which I can't get rid off, perhaps only to be fully exorcised when I eventually have one of my own in future, God willing...

And how has all that changed my life? Well, I decided since then that while the pain is emotional for me, it could be worse for the girl. She would have to contain with the physical pain and scarring not to mention the fact that she can be affected mentally as well.

I have treated the one close to my heart with enormous respect. She knows a little of my past, but she had given me time to tell her the complete story and she doesn't rush me to do so. And no, I haven't told her of this yet but perhaps the time is now. I'm certain that with God's grace, she'd be able to forgive me for those transgressions.

If you have read the account of how we discussed love over the cooking of a dinner (What Love Means... To Kids and Me...) then you'd probably guessed by now that we are quite close. In fact, there have been hints given that perhaps the time to settle down together is fast coming along.

Seeing we were quite compatible, it didn't take us both long to decide to live together. In fact, it took the whole of 3 weeks for us to do so. First night, she slept in her room while I slept on the sofa before she eventually came out and joined me at the sofa at 3am. The next night, we started sleeping together...

I had shared with her the fact that I used to be sexually active and she accepted that as a part of me that she can't change when we started out. She was worried though that I may not think much of her if she refuses to give up her virginity, which she have guarded all this while believing that she'll give it to the person she marries. As such, I was unwilling to take it away from her despite her willingness. Why you may ask? Simply because I love her too much to do so despite her initial fears that I may leave her if she was unwilling to give in. We sleep in the same bed in each other's arms every night, fully dressed.

You see, for the sake of our love, it was something I'd willingly do despite what others may say. And do know that having an intercourse is not the way to show how much you love your partner. If you do cherish your other half as you say you do, it will be worth the wait. In fact, if one loves you enough, they'll not pressure you to give up what should remain within the realms of matrimony...

At the end of it, the physical pleasure is something which may or may not last a lifetime. As time claims what is rightfully its' own, physical traits would take a back seat in the relationship. All this is left then would be the personality and heart of the person you fell for. And I do know that even when all physical attraction has passed me by, I would still love this girl as I do now as she just complements me by listening to my problems and offering advice before we switch roles and I do the same for her...

If someone says that sexual intimacy is the way to prove one's love for them, I have this to say... That's the way to prove that the person doesn't love you for who you are... Run, while you still can...

I still offer daily prayers for my unborn child and I hope or rather, I know that that child is in heaven now looking down...

The couple asked me as I concluded my sharing earlier, what happened to the two girls of my past?

Well, of the first, I haven't heard from her for almost 9 years now. I did try to look her up but was unable to find her on the net. And her family had moved from their previous house a few years back.

Of the second? She got married last year and just had a baby earlier this year...